Nordic Track Frack – Weekend Snark-a-Thon Part 1

03/05/2016 by syrbal-labrys


I am sitting here sweaty and pissed off, it has been some time since I unloaded my combination of rage and angst over little personal bits, right?  More so than I was two minutes ago even.  This is because again WordPress is being particularly recalcitrant about letting me control my posting format, my photo size and placement.  So, warm up mode makes me say “Fuck you WordPress, if you think this shit will make me want to BUY an account, you are totally full of shit.”

Now, onward to the main event.  Our Nordic Track elliptical machine for self-torture exercise.  We bought it last year and will be paying for it for about another year.  It was the replacement for the dearly departed yard-sale acquired Nordic Track that cost me $50 and worked fine for about 8 years!  The circuit board finally died last fall and we could not adjust elevation or anything – it stopped counting and basically free wheeled without any resistance at all.

So, lo, we bit the bullet and ordered a new replacement.  Consumer Reports was right, it was a bitch to put together.  But then the real fun began.  First, very briefly let me discuss what I DO like about the expensive whore of a machine:

* The stride is adjustable, this makes it less boring.

*It does not hurt my knees as the old one did. (Likely because the stride is adjustable?)

*While it is still a huge space eater, it takes up slightly less space than the old one.

All the crap that angers me enough to possibly negate any healthy blood pressure lowering effects now:

*When the online sales schtick told us it had video capability and connected to WiFi, we foolishly thought this would mean not needing to prop a Netflix-streaming iPad on the machine any longer — that IS how I exercise foer 45 to 60 minutes at a whack, by watching a good television show or movie.

*What it meant was I could have the privilege of buying “iFit” (nothing whatsoever to do with an Apple/MacIntosh product despite the “i”, let me tell you.)  For $100 a year per person, I could get this costly piece of shit to stream pretty “video” tracks of famous trails around the world to watch as I worked out and the machine automatically changed grade and resistance.  This seemed attractive to the Minotaur-husband.  I said “No, lets wait and try the sample products of that available on the machine for free.”

*Video my ASS.  The “Monterey Bay Trail” for instance — largely a passel of still photographs shown in sequence, lots of lovely parking lots and a boring asphalt-cement “trail” alongside an ocean vista that never moves.  Seriously?  With all the extremely life-like game video possibilities, a mash-up of Google Earth photos is the best they can do?

*The distance metering thingie is FUCKED.  I wear my iPhone and it rates the alleged distance walked at half what this fucking Nordic Frack machine does.  This morning for instance, I did 30 minutes on the so-called Monterey Bay Trail.  The Nordic Frack said I had gone a bit over 3 miles.  Now, please — I KNOW me.  To have gone three miles, I’d have been doing 10 minute miles.  I KNOW my current speed is about a 20 minute mile.  So the machine fucking LIES.

*I can’t keep track.  The sales routine told us how it would keep track BY person of all our workouts so we could judge progress made over time.  But no, that is only possible IF you buy the damn iFit shit.  Oh, and it is a Google platform, so you have to deal with all THAT and I do not do Google if I can avoid it.  So I can’t store ANY data work out to work out.

*My old machine would check my heart-rate if I gripped a certain panel on the machine.  This one requires me to strap on this piece of sweat-inducing plastic shit around my chest.  And to be honest?  I don’t even know if it works – I’ve not tried it because if I do and THAT also requires me to buy iFit, I might do something very violent.

*I’d LIKE to think I am just tech-retarded and doing it all wrong; if I had a product manual I could maybe find out?  But no, NO manual comes with this for anything but putting it together.  I assume if I want that I must purchase that as an extra as well.

So I am paying $135 per month (to be paid in full before interest hits) for a machine that I must still use an iPad to keep my mind off how much I HATE exercising for exercise sake alone.

So, yes, FUCK YOU,TOO Nordic Track!

Tomorrow?  More on the personal reasons this SO annoys me just now.

 

 

 

 

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Herland

The name of this blog, and my Dreamwidth blog, Herlander Refugee, is taken from a 1915 feminist novel "Herland". It makes my heart sing that modern women are experimenting with creation of a new "Herland"!

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